Poison In A Pretty Pill

exene @ 2005-05-05T23:25:00

2005-05-06T03:23:49Z

So I've compiled a list of things I want to do photography wise. I have a list of cemeteries I want to scope out. Night shots I want to try. I want to play around with zooming during a long exposure. Write with light. I really really really want to play around with duo tone solarization! Line drawings, I have some ideas for those. And I'm gonna go to that house where the guy has the classic cars he's fixing up. I want some shots downtown. I have some ideas for silhouette shots I want. Of course I want to do some blending. I keep looking at Jerry Uelsmann's work. And I want to try a technique I read about developing and using petroleum jelly as a sort of mask.
My next paycheck I think I'm gonna see if my brother or my dad or both will split the cost of chemicals and paper with me so that I can start playing again. And I'm gonna start taking my camera with me to work so I can just go straight from work to go take photos. And I'm thinking maybe some weekend soon I'll drive over to MacClay Gardens to take some shots. My brother has been discussing photography a lot with me lately. He's been helping me learn more or just helping me to clarify some things. I've been reading through all the books we have laying around this house and all I have to do if I don't quite get what I'm reading is talk to Nathan and he's been helping to explain things to me. My dad helps too sometimes, but my dad doesn't know so much about all the crazy artsy techniques I want to try. he had no idea about duo tone solarization so I had to explain what I'd read and show him one of the pictures in my book.
I think that's what it is about the darkroom. What makes it so great is that it's sorta like magic. The fact that certain combinations of light, temperature, and chemicals have so many different effects, it really is just more fulfilling to see your creations in the darkroom. It's a magical feeling you just can't get from clicking buttons on a computer program.

What I want

2005-05-01T20:46:29Z

I want to take more Cadd classes.
I enjoyed it in highschool.
I took engineering and industrial design classes and I used it again in my animation class.
Cadd would be good, I would most likely have to use it anyways for Interior design...or if I did decide to go into designing toys which is another idea I might toy with, I would definatley need it. But for now, Interior design is what I'm gonna pursue.

I want a family.

I want to restore classic cars, but not by myself. I want that to be like a project. Like how my parents enjoy working on house projects together. But I want to restore cars with Matias who will someday be my husband. it would be fun. There has always been a part of me that has wanted to do that. Then I want to show off our pride and joy at car shows:)

I want a darkroom in my home for photography.

Creating makes me happy. I need to create. That's why a career involving design would be excellent. Whether it's toys or homes. I'm happiest when I create. It's what I'm good at.

A decision has been made!
No more indecision for me.
No more fear.
No longer will I let myself think I can't do anything, or I can't have what I want.

"I thought my love was enough to make you smile for all your life"

2005-05-01T05:57:02Z

~I Wonder~
"I DON´T KNOW WHAT TO DO,
I DON´T KNOW WHAT I´VE DONE,
YOU MADE ME FEEL SO BLUE,
IT SEEMED YOUR LOVE WAS GONE AND IF YOU TOOK TOO LONG,
TO LAY DOWN BY MY SIDE,
SUSPICION STARTED TO GROW,
AND TIME RAN OUT SO SLOW,
CAUSE I KNEW LOVE WOULD GROW,
AND YOU´D BE RIGHT NEXT TO ME,
ASLEEP I STAYED FOR LONG,
FOR LONG I SANG THIS SONG,
ENOUGH I THOUGHT ONE DAY,
ENOUGH I HEARD YOU SAY,
BUT THEN YOU WOULD COME HOME,
AND THEN WE WOULD MAKE LOVE,
HOW CAN A MAN SAY NO..., AND I WONDER...,
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE LIKE A THUNDER BUT THEN YOU TURNED ME DOWN AND I WONDER...,
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE LIKE A THUNDER I WONDER, WONDER...,
WHY YOU DIDN´T LEAVE ME SOONER FOR THAT GUY?
AND MADE ME FEEL SO LOW,
WHILE YOU WERE HIGH,
I NEVER MENT TO HURT YOU SO MUCH I THOUGHT MY LOVE WAS ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU SMILE,
SITTING IN A CAR,
I COULD WATCH YOU GO,
LEAVING WITH SOMEONE,
THAT YOU WILL BLOW,
LAUGHING ALL THE WAY,
I COULD HEAR HIM SAY,
IT FEELS MUCH BETTER IF YOU LICK IT SLOW,
MAYBE IT IS TIME TO MAKE A CHANGE,
YOU THINK ABOUT LEAVING TO ANOTHER STAGE,
BUT THEN YOU REALISED THAT YOU COULDN´T FAKE,
YOU SAID YOU WERE SORRY,
BUT NOW´S TO LATE, AND I WONDER...,
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE,
LIKE A THUNDER,
BUT THEN YOU TURNED ME DOWN AND I WONDER...,
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE LIKE A THUNDER,
I WONDER, WONDER...,
WHY YOU DIDN´T LEAVE ME SOONER FOR THAT GUY?
AND MADE ME FEEL SO LOW WHILE YOU WERE HIGH,
I NEVER MENT TO HURT YOU SO MUCH I THOUGHT MY LOVE WAS ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU SMILE FOR ALL YOUR LIFE,
AND I WONDER...,
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE LIKE A THUNDER BUT THEN YOU TURNED ME DOWN, AND I WONDER...,
YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE LIKE A THUNDER,I WONDER, WONDER...
WHY YOU DIDN´T LEAVE ME SOONER FOR THAT GUY?
AND MADE ME FEEL SO LOW WHILE YOU WERE HIGH,
I NEVER TRIED TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL LOVE ME SO THAT I CAN TRUST MY HEART."
-Gomo

exene @ 2005-04-30T00:59:00

2005-04-30T05:50:06Z

today seemed like a long day at work.
Probably 'cause it's so boring and I couldn't stop looking at the clock.
But I'm considering talking to Christie to see about working more hours.
I'm sure she won't mind.
Especially since one of the girls who just started a week after me hasn't been showing up. Looks like she quit.
Motivated for more money...it's pretty sick, especially since I hate money. But hey, it's not like I'm doing anything spectacular with my life right now. Might as well.

Made a few sketches today.

Found a new music channel to watch. International Music...something. It's pretty cool. Music from around the world. 24 hours.

Still really miss Matias. Don't think I'll ever stop missing him. Don't think a day will ever pass where I don't think about him. I'm just terrified that since I do love him so damn much, that in all this happiness he's finding without me around, he'll just...maybe not exactly stop loving me...but I don't know, that his love for me will fade...it'll dwindle down and I'll just become like Alicia to him or something. He'll just get so used to me not being around, that he won't long for my arms around him anymore...he won't long for me. And I'll forever be longing for him. I was never a girl who fell in love easily...and I'm definatly not a girl who falls out of love easily. I need hate to stop loving. He's impossible to hate. Not to mention I don't want to hate him.

I spent last night trying to research careers again.
I thought about Matias in that aspect too.
When I met him, he was almost exactly where I am right now. But I didn't care, I didn't care where he was in life, I gave him a chance.
He only knew that he wanted to be a mechanic.
He used to always talk about it.
Wasn't in school.
But now, he definately earns more money than he did when we first started dating.
But he doesn't dream of being a mechanic anymore.
He's staying with aol. Making a career out of that.
It's not his dream.
Just something he stumbled on to and stays with for the money.

But sometimes I also wonder if it really was ever just HIS dream.
I wonder if he has any dreams that are just his...not something he's motivated to do for someone else...like his dad or brother.
Fame is for his dad...to make something of the family name. His ideas to achieve fame: music or race car driver.
Mechanic...brother and dad.

I have a dream. The only one right now. It's stupid. But it's a dream. Love. A lasting love. I guess a family is included in this. But it takes depending on another person for that dream. And I'm not allowed to depend on Matias.

I think when I go back to school, I'll have a major chosen. I think I'm settling for Interior Design. After looking through lists and lists of careers...this is the only one that has stayed in mind. And photography...well I'll have to settle for it as being a hobby. Maybe one day I'll start selling some of my photography. But it can't be relied on as income.

Decided that when I get my own place...I'm not getting cable. Not gonna waste my money on it. Don't need it. Brandon gave me his old t.v. since he's got Al's now. So won't have to buy one. I have dvds and videos and crap, so I don't need cable. I've lived without it before. When I get my own place, I'm just gonna be really wise about my money. Things that aren't necessities, I won't have. Any money I can save, all the better. And really, being successful is not about how much money you make. Being successful is about being wise with how you choose to spend money and making do with what you have, and saving money, having money for emergencies so you're not struggling. And patience for the things you want.

exene @ 2005-04-28T17:12:00

2005-04-28T21:57:21Z

So far, today is my first day without caffeine. My head hurts. But I'm really trying to get off the soda addiction. Once my current pack of cigarettes is gone...I'll be quitting that too. SO I'll really be on edge. But whatever, needs to be done.

Decided that I will no longer torture myself.
I won't dream and fantasize about marrying Matias.
There is no ring on my finger, I'm not getting married.
I will no longer have stupid illusions of Matias getting in his car spontaneously and surprising me by showing up telling me he was dying to see me...and stupid romantic things like that.
It'll never happen.
No more trying to reason away spending money on road trips to go see him as often as possible when I am not his motivation for coming to Tallahassee, John is.
I'm not planning on moving back to Orlando, not on my own, not maybe in a year.
Not to say it won't ever happen, I'm just not planning for it.
Maybe is not a definate.
He can let me know when and if he's ever ready...ever wants me back there with him.
But right now I'm in this shithole town.
And he doesn't want me.
He doesn't think of these things.
So there's no point in me thinking about them.
I'm the only one crying.
He's having a blast.
I'm the one left wanting.

I get my first paycheck tomorrow.
I have to pay Jen back the money I borrowed to go see Matias for his birthday.
Send some money to my mom.
Put money aside to be saved.
And then I'm treating myself. I don't know what I'll do. But I'm taking myself out to have a good time. To forget. To get the fuck away from this house. To do something I like to do. Something I haven't done in a while. I'm sure I'll be home early though. This town doesn't offer much.

exene @ 2005-04-27T17:46:00

2005-04-27T22:19:10Z

No faith.
It's okay though. Someday soon all these people will be talking of pride...how proud they are of me.
I'll be sure to let them know what I think of their pride.
Let them know it's not accepted when they had no faith.
Their pride is bullshit.

I'm not accepting pride without faith anymore.
No thank yous will be given.
Only people getting thank yous are the ones who have faith in me.
And right now, I'm feeling like I'll only be thanking myself.

Notes to self:

2005-04-27T12:21:34Z

wanted me gone = I left (sooner than planned)
doesn't want to unless I'm in same city
"this time next year" not meant. Don't count on it. Don't think of it in any way as any sort of time indicator.

Keep mouth shut.
Answer is always gonna be "no".
Don't even bother.
Never thinks about it anyways.

Abandon hope
Compromise too painful.
Doesn't trust, so I probably shouldn't.

exene @ 2005-04-26T19:10:00

2005-04-26T23:17:48Z

"...certain that they would never settle for a brief adventure, because they were born to share life in its totality and to undertake the audacity of loving each other forever."
- Of Love and Shadows

That's what I want.

exene @ 2005-04-26T17:36:00

2005-04-26T22:10:25Z

There's something I didn't tell you.
Sometimes now I think maybe I should have told you, 'cause maybe it would've made a difference.
But I decided not to, and it doesn't matter anymore.
So I've decided there's no point in ever revealing it.
It was only a surprise I was waiting on...waiting to reveal when complete, but was ruined.
The only key to ever knowing, ever figuring it out is in a request I made for things needed just minutes before you left me sick and broken hearted.

I didn't tell you out of anger.
But if I told you now...it might make you feel like shit for not having more patience.
So I'll spare it.
It wasn't even a sure thing yet anyways.

WELCOME HOME
"the sun’s rays don’t bother me
no they cast down such a wonderful heat
masking beauty
by a terrible fate
if you fly too close and then you turn too late
the night still confuses me
we’d all get tired and have to sleep eventually
regardless of the sun’s demands
regardless if it made much sense
you moved so far that I know how far
and then you got so sad that I, I bought a car
yes I’ll come get you
and I will bring you home
I’ll come get you
and I will bring you home
he sat me down
he said he was incomplete
he thinks true love’s gonna get him back on his feet
he said you only find love once in your life
so I guess when you find it
you're gonna hold it right
you’ll hold it right
it makes no sense
cos there’s no sense in it at all
we all wait around
we wait for you to get tired and fall
as your shadow it resumes in me
yes your shadow it was made for me
she speaks clearly
he speaks loudly
I speak only clearly loudly
yes she speaks clearly
he speaks loudly
I speak only clearly loudly
yeah my shadow well it resumes with me
yes my shadow well it was made for me
she told me love will come once in your life
so I guess when you find it
you're gonna hold it right
you're gonna hold it right
you hold it right
you moved so far that I knew exactly how far
and then you got so sad that I, I bought a car
yes I’ll come get you
and I will bring you home
I’ll come get you
and I will bring you home
I’ll come get you
and I’ll say
welcome home"
-Tegan and Sara

exene @ 2005-04-24T22:46:00

2005-04-25T02:46:38Z

Apparently we have a pet duck now.

exene @ 2005-04-24T12:41:00

2005-04-24T16:47:41Z

AND DARLING

"Creep up and tell me that you
You love me more each time you
Look into my eyes I feel like
I know you don't mean to be mean
I'm sure you know the same for me
When you creep up and tell me
Darling
It breaks my heart each time you
Darling
You break my heart each time you
You slip your hands inside my pockets
Tell me nothing else would do
Without me you can't live and
You slip your heart into my chest
They both become one of the strongest pairs
When strangers come
And darling
This thing that breaks my heart and
Darling
You break my heart each time you
Darling
This thing that breaks my heart and
Darling
You break my heart each time you"
-Tegan and Sara

THIS IS EVERYTHING
" Climbed up on the rainbow
Just to see if I'd fall off
I'm a frosted lemon coward
And I don't know how
No don't know to hold you without shaking
No I'm not aware of how I could possibly love you without aching
Yes I give you everything
Yes I give you anything
I gave you everything
Gotta watch myself
I've gotta love myself
And take care
And so keep the light on before ya' hop into bed
'Cuz ,baby, this is the last honest love I'll ever give
I saved up all my sunshine just to see you more clear
I'm a little short on sorrow and I haven't given in
No I'm going to hold you anyway and I'll do it without shaking
Yes I'll love you always and I'll do it without aching
Yes I'd give you anything
Yes I'd give you anything
I gave you everything
Gotta watch myself
I've gotta love myself
And take care
And so keep the light on before ya' hop into bed
'Cuz, baby, this is the last honest love I'll ever give
I give you everything
I give you anything
I gave you everything
Gotta watch my self
I've gotta love myself
And take care
Yeah
Gave you
I gave you
I gave you everything
So I've gotta watch myself
And love myself
And take care
This is your last love
This is your last love
This is your last love
Yeah this is your last love
This is your last love
This is your last love
And so keep the light on before ya' hop into bed
'Cuz, baby, this is the last honest love I'll ever give"
-Tegan and Sara

exene @ 2005-04-22T17:26:00

2005-04-22T22:01:29Z

I won't get my hopes up.
Matias said he was thinking of coming to visit in a few weeks, depending on what money looks like.
Riiiight! It'll be May. He has a formula one race to go to with his brother, then there's that whole Star Wars thing with his brother, he's helping a co-worker move to Boston, he has to move himself soon. There's no way.
The reality of it is that I'll most likely have to make another trip to see him before he ever makes it up here again.
Otherwise, there's my brother's wedding in July...but I don't even know if that's a definite yes he'll be here though. And it's on a Thursday which means he'll have to take time off work to even be here.
He must've been drinking quite a bit that night. He asked me when I was gonna move back up there. That was the most evil question. If he SERIOUSLY asked me, my heart would scream yes, it's the stupid logic that tells me I have to stay. Can't quit my job. It ends in September, at least that's what I was told. There is a chance it could end sooner. When the job is done, it's done. SO I don't even know how much money I'll even have saved up. And besides that, I'm not going back to him empty handed. I want to have some money to help out while I look for a job there when that does happen. I want to have certain bad habits under control, I want to at least have the basics of cooking down so I don't feel stupid in the kitchen and so I can actually make a good fucking meal for my baby. I want to be full force on my way to being the perfect girl, and I want to be certain for myself that I won't slip back down into the rut I'm climbing out of now.
The only thing I can't guarantee him is that I'll have my career figured out. Current ideas floating in my head are Interior design, and possibly a wedding planner? I just don't know!

I've been trying really hard lately to think positively. I'm such a negative thinker, and it drags me down a lot. This morning dad and Jen started contributing to that again. It's seriously like they'll be super supportive and understanding when I'm at the bottom, they'll give me credit, but as soon as I climb an inch, they just go back to their old ways of contributing to my negative outlook. But I'm standing up for myself. I'm not taking Jen's crap. Gonna put her in her fucking place once and for all!

This weekend is Matias' weekend with the guys. So I definately won't be hearing from him at all. Charlie will act like a hard ass causing Matias to act like a hard ass...and yeah Miami boys fronting. I doubt I'll even cross his mind while he's there. Pretending they don't have hearts, and there's no girl they care for more than their boys...which...I was told isn't really completely true. They'll get drunk and stupid and be boys. Yes, I meant boys, not men.

His life is so filled up now that I'm gone. It does just make me feel like the reason he didn't go out and do things was because of me. Not that I ever told him he couldn't do anything. He just never wanted to, and now he's going out and doing everything. Having more fun with me gone than he did when I was there.

exene @ 2005-04-21T21:29:00

2005-04-22T01:34:01Z

My dad's co-worker and his wife came over with their 4 1/2 year old son. He was so adorable. He's a little rambunctious, but he stays where you tell him too. And he totally entertains himself. Anyways, so I was hangin' out with him, giving him attention. By the time they left, he was so attached to me, he came and stood next to me cause he didn't want to leave. Then his parents told him "no, you can't stay here with her" so he tried to grab my hand to take me home with him. It was soooo cute:) He would stand next to me and look at me, and when I smiled at him, he would giggle and then hide. SOOO adorable!
And his name....Lucas.

exene @ 2005-04-21T18:54:00

2005-04-21T23:00:05Z

Oh geez. I just got the worst idea ever today. Driving home from work, Jennifer was talking about wedding plans for Blaire and Nate...they still have to find a caterer. We were driving past The Melting Pot. You can see how this is bad!
My wedding...I think I want fondue and cheesecake! Mmmmmmmmmmm!!!
Even better!!! The wedding cake can be just one massive creamy cheesecake!!! YUM!

....I want some cheesecake now:(
I miss my cheesecake:( (GIR moment)

exene @ 2005-04-20T23:11:00

2005-04-21T03:14:30Z

Awww...I just had one of the best calls from Matias.
I don't have to worry at all anymore.
Not even a little bit.
Granted he was buzzed from drinking at the Mustard Plugg show...but between what he said to me before the show and what he said to me driving home from the show...:)

I miss my baby.
I won't have to have these nervously weird bad days.

exene @ 2005-04-20T22:01:00

2005-04-21T02:08:12Z

It really is quite cute when Matias calls to tell me something like he bought a shirt with my favorite painting of Bettie on it.
And it's sometimes annoying, but still cute how his "favorite" things are things that are my favorite, that I showed him. I'm sure he likes them 'cause they're cool...but I'm sure there's also a part of him that likes them because they remind him of me...maybe just a little.
I should no better than to geat all freaked out over him or us or our future. It really isn't so much just him anymore though...it's things I read, things I see that promote certain ways of thinking...like I was talking about in my last entry.
But I also read an article recently...reminding me one of the ways a guy says "I love you" is by letting you hold on to his favorite shirt or garment of clothing or whatever...I have that.

exene @ 2005-04-20T19:18:00

2005-04-20T23:41:09Z

I have fucking values.
That's not respected anymore.

SO I got a good kick out of a shirt I saw today.
It had the Myspace logo on it and then had "myspace a place for friends." And "friends" was crossed out and replaced with the word "sluts."
My opinion exactly.
I see too many girls on there with profiles saying they are swingers and a lot on there seems to be geared at sex. Lots of girls posing on beds or disgustingly trying to show off their bodies. And not in any way like classy artistic photos. Just girls who only value sex. Girls who like to be used. Girls who like being cheap.

18 year old girls claiming to be swingers. Yeah, that's what guys are attracted to. A girl who can't keep her legs closed, can't be committed to any one person.
I guess that's what makes relationships exciting right? It's more exciting to wonder how many guys your girl has slept with other than you in the same day. These are the girls guys fight to keep. 'Cause it's all about the chase right. Find a girl who's willing to fuck you but not be in a relationship with you, and then guy's want her to keep because she's something they can't have any other way than sexually.
But give a guy your heart, tell him you're all his, and it's dull.

But it's okay, it's trendy now to be a slut. Television promotes it. Even all the girly magazines just have columns now on sleeping with several guys at once and having one night stands.

I'm sorry. I have values for myself...and I'm not the kind of girl who can just go around fucking guys without it meaning anything. I could try to trick myself into thinking I could be that kind of girl...but my body knows better. And I don't exactly feel like puking after sex because I made myself cheap and let myself be used.

But whatever, I'm better than that, I have more to offer than that. I'll never sacrifice it. I follow my head and my heart...NOT my twat!

exene @ 2005-04-20T17:13:00

2005-04-20T22:13:54Z

Matias made a comment about almost being ready to start having children. Wanting to become financially ready.
I don't know if that comment was geared toward me in any way or if it was just a general statement. I don't know if it really matters to him who mothers his children. I just know past statements he's made about wanting children but not caring to have a wife.

I'd love to think the comment was geared toward me. One of the many reasons I'd love to marry Matias is because he'd make a really great father some day. He'd be the kind of father I want for my children at least.

But I definately don't want to be the kind of mother my mom was. Which is a whole other issue I have with making a career decision. It used to be valued to be a stay at home mom. Society has totally reversed that. Stay at home mothers are looked down on.
And it's made it hard to live off of one income to support a family.
So I have to find not only something to make me happy that I can do as a career, but something that fits my values for a family. Something that allows me to be there for my family.

I want to be a great wife.
I want to be a great mother
I want to have a family everyone would be jealous of.

But I also want my husband to have time for the children as well, for the family. 'Cause he's important too. I want him to come home from work, and as he walks through the door, all the stress from his day fades away.

I don't want my children to have the belief that love always fails.
I want them to have a living example of love conquering all in their home.

Maybe it's a stupid dream.
Maybe I'm stupid for thinking I can have it.

If I've learned anything about guys (other than the majority of them are liars and cheats), something annoyingly consistent, is that guys are always and forever trying to fill some void.
And they are always trying to fill it with meaningless, worthless, materialistic crap. They tend to lose sight of the more valuable things right in front of them.

exene @ 2005-04-19T22:28:00

2005-04-20T02:36:02Z

I wish I could remember what it felt like to be overwhelmed by surprise.
unexpected romantic simple things.

I only got one good Valentine's day...in my whole history of valentine's days.

I want to be desperately needed
I want to be completely desired
I don't want the phrase "out of site, out of mind" to apply to me.

I want to be loved for who I am right now, not for what I might become.
Treated like a queen, never feel like a slave
I want to feel beautiful again, not like some skinny freak

I want to know that the words said to me aren't the same words being said to every other girl
I want to be held on to, never let go of
I want to be begged

If I'm just the good girl guys only want to marry...how come there's no ring on this finger?
Why am I single again?
If I'm such a great fucking catch, then why was I thrown back?

Guys don't want good girls.
They just use them for some piece of mind.
They get sick of all the dirty sluts who cheat on them, and they just want an honest girl for a little while, and then that isn't even enough.
Good girls get tossed aside.
Then they become back up plans.
Good girls are never appreciated.

Somedays and one days that turn into never, because good girls are stupid enough to wait.
And they just become forgotten.
Unimportant.
Just a friend.
And then they get used as a shoulder to cry on after some perfect slut ruins them and uses them and breaks a heart they never deserved.
And the good girl wants to say "I told you so" but she doesn't.
And that's when he wants her back.
But by then there's nothing left that hasn't been ruined by someone else.

I want a fight to fucking keep me.

exene @ 2005-04-19T19:16:00

2005-04-19T23:18:36Z

oh how i forgot while i was in his arms.
now that i'm home...my heart is back to sobbing.

exene @ 2005-04-18T22:18:00

2005-04-19T02:42:05Z

While watching racing, Matias and I saw a commercial where a guy streaks across a football field and on his chest is written "forgive me andrea" and "andrea" is watching the game on t.v. at home. Matias said he was gonna do that for me one day.
I wish.
A girl can dream of something so stupidly romantic.

But I mostly dream of just a tomorrow even though I know I won't get it.
Somedays and One days, not today, or tomorrow, or even a soon.

He asked me to please be a good girl and come back to him.
But I've been doing that.

I've always been a good girl.
Good girls just always get somedays and one days.

It's not that I have to come back to him, 'cause I never left.
He has to come back to me.
Which is why I'm the one left waiting.

exene @ 2005-04-18T21:20:00

2005-04-19T01:25:39Z

Grrr....just when I've forgotten all about it, I get that evil newsletter reminding me!
I Want This

Evil evil site!
I should've resisted even looking.
I can't help it though:(

I can't waste my money. I just have to keep telling myself that. I just have to not look at all my favorite websites:(

Why do I always want stuff?

If it wasn't for the horse, I would've never made it to college

2005-04-19T00:40:14Z

So I had a really great weekend with Matias.
Wish it could've lasted longer.
Tried to show him that I'm trying to be a good girly.
I cleaned up all the beer bottles after his birthday party and I did his dishes for him.
Just because those are things a good girly does to take care of her man (even though he's not even that anymore...technically...or is it that technically he is mine...but not officially? I don't know.)
But I do just want him to see, that even though it's slow progression, I am doing things to better myself, and to be a better girl for him. I am trying to enforce better habits for myself. And he did appreciate what I did, he thanked me for it:) It's all I need. Just a little thank you:)
And I was truely happy this weekend.
And Kara noticed it.
We went to Kara and Erick's and played music, I actually joined in too. And yeah, Kara had said that she's never seen me smile so much and I really did look happy and she was glad:)
She also told me her friend Serena asked about me, said she thinks she really liked me. That was nice to hear. It's nice to hear someone likes me despite my shyness. I'm sooooooooo FUCKING used to people saying I'm "weird" 'cause I'm quiet. Or just hearing that people don't like me because they feel intimidated by me...or whatever. I'm so sick of hearing that shit. And it's part of why I don't care much for people. I just don't care enough to go out of my way for people, to act in a way that just isn't me, to impress others. There's no need for it. It's why I don't do it.
And Kim came downstairs to hang out. I'm still not sure about her. She seems like a really sweet girl. She seems like she might have some intelligence in that head of hers...unfortunately it doesn't come out. And Marcy......I don't think I've ever met a bigger moron! And I understand Lewis Black better now after hearing Marcy say "my brother is so cool, he's a recovering heroin addict..." and she went on to talk about the drugs her brother made. It made my head want to explode hearing that! I seriously can't stand that girl...I see her future in the gutter. I see her becoming a drug addict herself. Both those girls really are out of control. I've never seen them NOT on something. And being "young" is not an excuse for their kind of stupidity!
Kim might be an okay person...but not enough even for me to say she'd be good company. But I do prefer her over Marcy.
but blargh...enough about them.

Anyhow, yeah...weekend with Matias...I even sucked it up and watched some racing with him.
He did make somewhat of a strange comment to me over the weekend...just something that threw me off a little.

His party was good. I actually felt comfortable after a bit. It didn't have a horrible weird vibe like I sorta expected. His friends all treated me well, and NOT like some horrible ex-girlfriend who didn't belong there.

It was really good to see and talk to Ryan. I actually miss him. Always have good conversations with him. I'm glad I got a chance to hang out with Kara and Erick too. Ali's always been a sweetheart, so it's always good to see her. And I enjoyed talking to Tom at the party. I know I've gone back and forth on Tom...was never sure if I really liked him or not, but he really is a good guy, a good friend of Matias'...but there are some times where I think he could be a bad influence just 'cause yeah...the cop car incident...made Matias' eyes gleam when he heard the story.

And yeah...all in all, just a really good weekend. I really enjoyed myself. I definately enjoyed Matias:)

exene @ 2005-04-15T15:25:00

2005-04-15T19:50:00Z

I worked 9 hours yesterday just so I wouldn't have to be at work today.
I worked 9 hours, had enough time to walk in the door and start to eat dinner when Matias called and wanted me to leave right then. I thought about it, then told him I was on my way. Arrived at 1:00a.m. I was tired as all hell. But it was so beautiful seeing his smile when I got here. To actually just see him, be able to look at him. And to hear him call me "my baby" in that loving way. He looked genuinely happy.
I'm happy to be here, to be able to spend his birthday with him.

But yeah, I don't know, he does seem to be somewhat guarding himself from emotions around me. Or maybe it just feels that way to me, it could just be him being really tired and I just took a couple of things in the wrong way...I'm not sure.

But I'm here for him right now.
To make him happy.
So I'll ignore my emotions, try my best to keep my mouth shut, and yeah, just accept what he does give of himself to me.
It's his day, don't want to ruin it by being me.

I just noticed a painting/collage Matias had made. He'd started it before I left. I really like how it turned out. He included in it a poem I had written. And there's one thing, a quote he put in the collage that really stuck out "those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it." It's one thing I'm proud of myself for as far as our whole relationship is concerned. I didn't do what I normally would have done after the break up. Normally I would've left bitter and angry and I would've never spoken to him again. I would've just let all this love I have for him turn to hate. My favorite quote used to be "those who hate fervently, must once have loved deeply, those who want to deny the world, must once have embraced what they now set on fire." I love Matias very deeply, very passionately, but I don't ever want him to know what my hatred feels like. Especially if that hatred would equal the amount of love I feel for him, it's too much. He doesn't deserve it. As hurt and upset as I get over all this, he's still a really great guy. He still deserves my love. He's very precious to me, and although it would be so much easier on me to hate him, I've taken the hard road, putting myself through the uncertainty of what comes next, but keeping that courage to continue loving him. I've never put myself in such a vulnerable position as I have with Matias. But I never loved anyone enough to give them that vulnerablity, and no one's ever loved me enough. At the same time, I've never gotten crazy over anyone the way I've gotten about Matias. I loved Ryan, but it was so easy to let him go. He was never worth any of the effort I gave. But nothing compares to the way I feel about Matias. It's love, but it's a completely new kind of love I've never experienced...something so far beyond the definition of love as everyone else understands it...and something so much more painful to lose.

exene @ 2005-04-13T20:13:00

2005-04-14T00:40:53Z

So I had a really bad dream last night...or this morning...whatever.
Won't go into detail.
But just a gyst, Charlie was swimming in shit...quite literally.
He was the reason for you being two-faced in my dream.
And John was pissed at you for how you were treating me in the dream and he told me to watch out for myself.
It was a really horrible dream.

Last night wasn't too great.
I got suckered into being in charge of decorations for Blair and Nathan's wedding.
So now I'm forced to sit down and look at wedding catalogs and magazines...it's not for my own anymore.
It's hard.
I don't know how I'll deal with this all right now.
I can't help but fantasize about my wedding. What little we did have planned.
I don't even know why something as stupid as a wedding is breaking my heart.
I don't know why I get so upset...when the proposal I got wasn't even real.
I got tears...he meant he did want to marry me...just not then...not now...just someday.
I hate that word...someday.
I want my forever.
And the only forever I'm willing to give...has to wait for that someday that feels like it'll never come.

But the day it does come...NOTHING will ever be able to top it! I will be the happiest fucking girl the world has ever seen.
But it's hard waiting for it.
I know he's preparing for his future...
I'm still included in it...
But I'm not so concerned about perfection, or the right time...
I really don't even care about a stupid ceremony, 'cause all that matters is him.
And I know it's stupid, but I want that stupid piece of paper that says we are legally bonded together forever...even death can't part us.

How do I sit there on their wedding day, and not laugh, not be cynical? How do I listen to them take their vows knowing that I could make the same vow today and it'd be more true than anything that will come out of their mouths?

How do I wait for this "someday"...when I don't even have a now?

And I don't even know what to refer to him anymore.
Ex seems too harsh...has too much of a negative connotation to it...and it doesn't feel right saying it about him.
Fiance is too awkward when we're not even together.
He's my heart
My love

But I don't know...this whole thing is just a mess.
I guess nothing feels right when you're missing your heart...when you no longer own it...have no control over it anymore.

And how can being apart from your true love ever feel right?
I know the things we have to get done in our lives...but it doesn't make this part of me feel right at all.